Why Can't You Apologize?

When I got in the car at 1:15, I heard someone saying, "Take the but out of your apologies."  The voice went on to say that apologies should not be followed by explanations of our behaviors or words, just simple heartfelt apologies when we've wronged the other person, even when the hurt we've caused is unintentional.

We have a new program on TPR, 89.1, called THINK.  It airs at 1:00 each day, Monday-Thursday.

What a lucid conversation today's episode was--with the psychologist and writer, Harriet Lerner, prompted by her book, "Why Can't You Apologize?"

http://think.kera.org

Years ago, I read two other books by Lerner, one of which was the excellent The Dance of Anger.

In this interview, she talks about how to decide to apologize (even decades later sometimes) and how to do it without making the other person feel even worse about what you've done.

The wronged person doesn't need to have us justify our wrong moves or words; the wronged person needs to have you validate their experience.  Only apologize, she says, when you genuinely feel that you've caused the hurt, not when the other person blames  you for something  you haven't done.

"A true apology asks for nothing in return, even forgiveness."