The search for happiness: 1

I had a happy childhood--which, to me, means I had parents who loved each other and their children and showed it every day.  I assumed (since television families also seemed happy) that this was the way of the world.  When  I did see glimpses of less happy childhoods, or heard rumors of divorce, it was shocking.

Only when childhood is long over do most people talk about it, write about it, and see that the experiences of childhood unhappiness colored the rest of their lives.

A few days ago I posed the question: when have you been happy--or happiest?  I haven't gotten but one response so far (hope I get more!) but this letter  (from someone who wants to remain anonymous) affected me  deeply:

Anonymous:

I've had a margarita. It has prepared my psyche to share my thoughts on happiness.  What is it?  I feel as if I've pursued it for several decades. A glimpse of it appears occasionally.  Childhood experiences write on the slate of who you are or so Dr. Phil says.  I believe it.  How do you see your father try to choke your mother without being impacted?  How do you experience your father calling you a whore on your wedding day without carrying the sting of that for the remainder of your life? How do you remember like yesterday the strange feeling when your parents didn't argue using the word divorce for about a month and trying to figure out what felt weird about your daily life?  How I envy the children who didn't believe that the word divorce was the family normal.  

I've always had enough food, shelter, clothing.  I'm grateful for a mother that was rigidly stable.  Her life might have been more fulfilling had it been more flexible, but it helped balance my father's volatility. 

Some of this pain probably comes from beginning a life review as I approach my birthday  The great escape I made when I married led to decades of wishing I had found another way out of my hometown.  At the time, with no money and no skills, marriage felt like the only alternative.  

Anhedonia, the inability to experience pleasure, best describes my current state of mind. This will pass, but I can't remember happy.  On a cognitive level, I'm sure I've known happiness, but I'm unable to access it. 

Fortunately, I know steps to alleviate my current state.  This is the knowledge that comes with cycling in and out of depression since 6th grade. The steps toward a healthier state of mind are in my knowledge base.  It's highly likely that I will take those steps and feel better.  In fact, I just took the first step by writing this email.