"Sweet Darkness"

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone,
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your home
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

David Whyte


In all my years of traveling, I've been in love with many people, all for different reasons and illogical non-reasons.  In the realm of disembodied love affairs, David Whyte is my main guy.  I love his voice, his expansive mind, and the way he uses language.  I love his accent, the way he recites poetry, and his laughter.

When Nellie introduced us, it was love at first listen.  Then Kara gave me a little cassette tape which I've long since lost or lent.

When I first heard,these two lines from "Sweet Darkness," I took them in as forever mantra:

You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

I've listened to David's DVDs over and over, so often that I could recite big chunks.  I love the precision and nuance with which he uses language.  I love the way my mind stretches to keep pace, the ways they both take me down roads that are a perfect fit for the ways I like to travel.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you

This morning,  rain pounding against my house, I listened to a Krista Tippett interview (of On Being, one of the best podcasts out there) of David Whyte.

http://www.onbeing.org/program/david-whyte-the-conversational-nature-of-reality/8560/audio?embed=1

I've just ordered Krista's newest book--On Becoming Wise--and discovered yet another DVD/audio book by David Whyte.

Saturday in Texas

Another really special movie from India: Amal.

Before moving now to Italy in a show about cooking--that reminds me of beautiful afternoons in Tuscan trattorias with Nellie--I went back to Peace, Love and Misunderstanding to re-view one scene.

In the scene, Grace is telling her granddaughter about a piece of sculpture she's making.  "Sometimes in art, as in life, things aren't going the way you want them to go.  That's when transformation happens."

Grace then looks at her granddaughter in the wise woman way and says, "I heard what you said to your mother last night...."

"I was upset," the girl replies.

"Yes, but you were also cruel....But you can transform that, too."

Today has been a good day, starting with a session of Gabi magic, then going to Helotes to meet Conway Twitty with Kate.  We shopped for kombucha bottles and I came home and filled my bottles with my first batch.  I hope it's as good as Kate's.

Then I went to Pam's for a few hands of Spite and Malice and a delicious panini and a glass of her son-in-law's kombucha--ginger and jalapeño.

The raccoon visited again last night, but he's absent tonight--probably because of the rumbling of thunder.

5th Wedding Anniversary and Two #38 Birthdays

In 1972, I happen to remember that we splurged on a 5th anniversary dinner--at Fujiya Gardens, back when it was on Fredericksburg Road. That same year, a "Lover's Special" was created when Ali McGraw and Steve McQueen were in San Antonio filming.   It's actually the only wedding anniversary I recall celebrating.

Tonight, we celebrated Will and Veronica's 5th wedding anniversary and their May birthdays at Fujiya Gardens, now at the Wurzbach location.  It's their favorite restaurant, just as it was mine.  Funny how what goes around comes around in the circle of life.

Dressmaking Party

Today was the kind of party I love to have!  Unplanned, spontaneous, messy house and all.

My sewing assistant wandered off from time to time to watch cartoons, but we got the dress made--and had good company throughout the process, Joy and Charlotte and Kate.

No food was served, but the kombucha was rescued by Kate who informed me that my batch should have been covered with a tea towel instead of the plastic top of the container.  "It needs to breathe."

"Do I need to start all over?" I asked, expecting to have to dump the four gallons in the sink.

"No," she said.  "Just consider this Day One."  Whew!

At 1:00, Elena and I left for my hair cut appointment with Tomas, and I snapped these pictures of Elena in her new dress outside the salon.  Her horse--wild but being tamed--was decked out in left-over rick rack.

"What's his name?" Tomas asked her.

"He doesn't have one yet," she said.

"How about Bernie?" I said--a nod to the party of the donkey.  "He's not a donkey!" she said indignantly.  "He's a horse!"

Oh yeah.  Different animals.  Right.

After my haircut, Pam and I met for late lunch at Cracker Barrel--where she had cobbler and I had a platter of catfish and sides.  We hadn't planned ahead of time; we both just happened to be near the same place at the same time.

Days like these can't be planned, they just bloom all on their own!  While Elena may or may not remember her first home-made dress, our party guests promised they would.

A good day all around, ending with watching online the three ending series on Masterpiece.

Sewing Monsters

Sewing is in my DNA.  I grew up to the humming of Carlene's machine and watching her trim patterns--for every garment but two I ever wore. I watched her thread the machine and bobbin, then push the pinned-together pieces under the presser foot.  I watched her mark darts and take the pins out as she sewed and put them in her mouth.

Ready-made clothes were almost unheard of--unless you ordered underwear from the Sears Catalog.  Instead, we went to the dime store, flipped through Butterick and Simplicity pattern catalogues, then meandered around the store choosing fabric to go with the patterns.  Then zippers and elastic and thread to match.

I learned to sew by watching, but I was never as good a seamstress as Carlene.  I could show her a picture of a dress in Seventeen magazine and she would duplicate it exactly.  I particularly remember a white wool dress with brown wooden buttons for the University of Georgia homecoming, date dresses in kettle cloth, mu-mus for my California trip in 8th grade, and even little fabric stuffed animals she made for me and my friends.

I can only follow patterns, and I prefer patterns without zippers and buttonholes.

So tomorrow Elena wants to make a dress--and I'm trimming pattern pieces tonight, recalling the days when Carlene did that as we watched TV or talked.  I went to Jo Ann's and bought two pieces of fabric--one with ladybugs and one with happy little monsters.  The pattern is easy enough for our combined attention span for sewing and the yellow rick-rack should set it off nicely.

Making clothes at home is no longer less expensive than buying ready-made, but I'm hoping that the memory of making her first dress  will outlast the size 4 dress.

"Today's Special" brought to you by Netflix

If you loved "Finding Fanny" and if you got a little crush on the adorable white-haired man in it, and if you love Indian food, your next viewing treat is called "Today's Special."

Naseeruddin Shah, taxi driver and chef in "Today's Special ," is a sixty-five-year-old Indian actor who was charming in both roles.  A couple of must-see movies for anybody's Sunday afternoon, both light and funny and romantic and delicious!

Warning: "Today's Special" will whet your taste buds for Indian food, so be ready to hop in the car after you see it and head for your favorite Indian restaurant.

CREST

In all my weeks of medical appointments, x-rays, blood work, and two surgeries, I've been lucky enough to have most every test come back, in the end, normal.  The one exception at this point is CREST syndrome, an auto-immune situation that combines some markers of several other auto-immune diseases but not enough to have any one of them: not fibromyalgia, not lupus, not scleroderma, but with markers common to those.  CREST is an acronym for the five markers that seem to have landed in my body. The "C" has to do with the body's processing of calcium, the "R" has to do with tiny red spots on my hands, etc.

When I ache all over, I say, "My fibromyalgia is acting up," but that's just shorthand for: "The marker that is pain all over is common to fibromyalgia, but I don't actually have the true disease, just that one marker of it."

It crept up on me Friday and again today; Saturday I felt perfectly normal and had lots of energy.

My friend Becky treated me to a congratulations brunch at Cappy's this morning--to celebrate the fact that I don't have to do radiation.  (Ten years ago, treatment for DCIS--ductal carcinoma in situ--was much more severe than it is today.) We hadn't seen each other in months and it was so good to see her!  After brunch, I had to come home and sleep for a few hours with ibuprofen to help with the inflammation.

It's a pretty limiting thing--when it happens.  It hurts to get up and down, it hurts to sit for too long, and while it's lingering, I'm mostly tired and sleepy.  So I've decided that, until I figure out how to banish it, I should only do one thing a day.  The one thing tomorrow is to call the rheumatologist and find out if there are dietary changes I need to consider.

I'm reducing sugar and gluten intake, drinking kombucha, taking additional minerals and probiotics, drinking more water, getting work done by Gabi every other week or so, and doing yoga three times a week.  I hope I can figure out this puzzle and return to normal soon!

Until then, if I decline an invitation, it's only because my body is not cooperating fully just yet--but I trust that soon it will be up and spinning like the proverbial top.

Finding Fanny

From the opening of this film to the rolling of the closing credits (with the dollhouse), this is one of the most delightful movies I've seen on Netflix-- a veritable trip in the middle of anybody's night!

It's Marigold Hotel meets My Big Fat Wedding--pure joy to watch!

Saturday

Tonight--as my Central Gwinnett High School Class of '66 is partying and reuniting, and I'm seeing Nellie's pictures on Facebook--I just realized that I left out half the tea in my first batch of kombucha!

I had taken notes on a yellow pad, but when I typed the notes after the lab was already up and running, I realized my mistake.  Now I am awaiting word from my teacher-of-kombucha Kate as to what to do to remedy the situation before I just throw the first batch out and start over.

It's been a productive Saturday in the kitchen and in the grocery store re-stocking the long-neglected kitchen.  On Tuesday,  Elena and I will be making a birthday cake for her daddy's 38th birthday on Thursday. Joy will join us--though since she will be on her way to book group, she will be unable to slather herself in glue, should Elena want to reprise the Glue Party theme of last week.

I drove to Kate's after yoga (wonderful class!) and got my SCOBY for the brewing, boiled the tea (4 family sized bags instead of 8), put in the sugar to be fermented by the SCOBY, and slid the whole affair into a slider drawer in the pantry where it will ferment in the dark.

Special touch of the day: Nellie called me just as she was going into the reunion party: "Just wanted to see who you'd like me to say hey to!  I miss you!"

Sunday: Rescue at three in the morning via Kate-email: "You still have time to add the tea!"

Hugo and Jahaziel

All day I've been thinking about Hugo's son, Jahaziel. (pronounced Ha-Zeal.)

This handsome kid, maybe 20, still lives in a 7' x 9' room at his parents' house.  He exudes confidence, personality, and enthusiasm.  His hobby is bodybuilding and he's planning to build his own gym one day--"after working with my dad to make enough money." He was an electrician for a year, but decided he didn't like staying in one place all day long--some kind of industrial building--so he joined Hugo in the appliance repair business. "I love cooking! Every morning I make myself tilapia and basmati rice for breakfast." 

Both of them have twinkly, happy eyes.  Both of them are wonderful conversationalists. 

Jahaziel's English is perfect and Hugo's is a mix of Spanish and English.  Both talk and listen with intense attention, and they scrutinized every single detail in each room, the porch, and even the bathrooms.  Both loved the casita and Jahaziel took pictures to show his girlfriend "because this is exactly the look I want in my house."  I showed them how the Murphy bed works and Jahaziel said he'd already designed a Murphy bed for the Tiny House he's going to build. 

Both wanted a tour of my house, too.  They stroked every piece of furniture!  When I showed Hugo the David Marsh dining table of many colors--with two turquoise chairs and two red chairs--he said, "All these colors make you want to eat something delicious because color gives you energy and makes you want to be so alive."

I showed the house to them separately.  Jahaziel was working on the refrigerator in the casita and Hugo came in to take a look at my stove.  "I wouldn't spend the money on a 15-year-old stove," he said.  "They only make appliances these days to last about 8 years.  The old stuff?  They are dinosaurs, like your little Kenmore refrigerator in the apartment.  They will last for many decades, but not these new things.  They are all plastic and computer chips and things start breaking on them right away."

"Jahaziel's going to love these!" he said, stroking an old pie case, then a pine cabinet, then the old weathered boards on the Happy Deck.  "These are just the kind of things my son loves."

Sure enough, when Jahaziel came in, his hands and eyes landed on exactly the things his dad had predicted he'd love.  I was delighted at how they showed affection for each other and how the father knew his son so well. 

We talked about how a house grows and changes like a living thing.  "Some things stick around for many years, and when their time is up, they move to someone else's house," I said. 

"In fact, I have this little chest here I need to find a home for," I said--pointing to a little cabinet I'd just put outside the back door for give-away.  "Would you like it?" It was a simple little piece, I'd had it for ten years or more.  His eyes lit up.  "It's perfect!" he said. A tube of itch cream and a bottle of nail polish fell out on the driveway.  "I used it to keep my medicines in," I said. 

"Where did you get all these things?" Jahaziel asked as he was looking at the old peeling doors and walls on the deck.  "These are the things that give a house its soul. I feel like I'm at home here, and I don't even live here!"  I told him about YeYa's and Pickers Paradise and other of Mike's favorite treasure-hunting places.  

He admired a rhinestone guitar on the kitchen wall that Day made for me one Christmas and a table Will made twenty years ago. He noticed the stained glass pieces Carlene made, the Tiffany lamp Mike hung on the porch.  In fact, most of the pieces he photographed were handmade gifts from Day, Will, Carlene and Mike. When he left, he texted me this:

"This is Jahaziel.  When you have a chance let me know the places you went for the old wood, salvaged junk and all those other wonderful places you mentioned that I can't seem to remember! Again....Beautiful home.  Keep remodeling keep changing it and maybe in the next month or so if it's alright with you I'll bring my girlfriend along so she can see it as well.  Your home has inspired me!"

What inspired me was Jahaziel! I may have met people as happy as he is, but never anyone more so! And observant!  Sometimes it seems that people my age (and our projects)  are invisible to young people.  (See the grocery store scene in Grace and Frankie) But his love of our projects and his sharing of his own dreams put us on common ground. 

Sometimes it seems that we inhabit different planets than the planets of people in their twenties.  But tonight I am feeling connected to the future, with my little blue medicine cabinet moving on to Jahaziel's Tiny House!