By 3:00 a m I was tired of being awakened several times with sketchy dreams I can't even remember.
I got up to enjoy coffee and write that I am surprised at how much it hurt to lose David. It was surreal seeing and touching an old man die who had been the baby I held on his first day in the world 78 years ago.
And yet I rationalized how it was better than the alternative nursing home.... He went to Hospice for less than 24 hours and that was a good experience for all of us. Actually, he had seemed to begin a kind of leaving during the last year or so as his energy waned and he retreated from so many of the activities he had enjoyed and done so well. In his peaceful, willing and grateful demeanor as he left (his last words were "thank you" to the hospice chaplain and doctor), we were able to take our cues and join in that spirit of peace and set about doing the things necessary to celebrate his life.
Now, two weeks have passed and the feeling comes back and reality sets in. The dreams and solitude stir up memories and grief, lessons learned, his absence realized afresh, his life cherished. When it happens to a sibling, it reminds one of one’s own time frame and what one needs to discard so there won’t be too much for family to take care of when one’s plane lands. This new awareness prompts me to envision buckling my seatbelt for my final descent--while anticipating it may be a decade away and I may circle ‘the place’ dozens of times, even fly through stormy weather before I land, and how to make this part of the trip as good as where I have been.
Each day should be like all the rest – the product of discovery. I don’t want to see around the corners … What if I had known the exact date when I would marry Lloyd and have our home, or when our babies would come? I couldn’t have waited all the other years to get there and I would have missed the joy of being with the frenzy of waiting.
I am buckling my seatbelt and I look forward to what is ahead....
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