When Mike and I talked recently about writing, I wondered if we'd do well to steer clear of this subject in the future--just as we do conversations about transmissions and carburetors in old cars. How did I wind up with a Valentine Man who's not an avid reader? And how did he wind up with me, who's never even glanced under the bonnet of my own car?
He likes to "get to the meat" of what he's reading, he says; I love the flavors and textures of well-made phrases. He likes to restore classic cars to pristine condition; I just hope the Mini keeps humming along. He builds and restores; I write and revise.
"Did you read my blog post yesterday?" I asked him.
"Tell me again how to find it," he said.
I sent him the link--again--and he read it, called back a couple of minutes later to say yes, he'd read it, it was good, really good. I wanted more. I hoped he'd tell me some phrase he liked. I wanted....
Well, I wanted the kinds of detail that writers and readers share!
To be fair, my responses to his projects have been similarly cursory "Beautiful car!" I've said. I've not spent years learning the ins and outs of automobiles. I don't have the language to say more about their mysterious parts.
"What are you going to do today?" I asked him this morning.
"I don't know," he says. "I'm just listening to this fantastic CD (Mixed Bag) you made me and having a beautiful morning." Imagine that! I thought--just listening to music, not planning out your day! I like that.
Years ago, I read this advice to single women: "Make a list of a hundred qualities you'd like in a man." The writer of the article claimed that naming the qualities would attract the man bearing those qualities.
(To encourage precision in list-making, she told about one woman who'd done this and found the man of her dreams. Unfortunately, however, she'd forgotten to include "Single" in her list--thereby attracting a Mr. Right who was already taken.)
If I'd ever made such a list myself, I'd have included things like this:
Kindness
A sense of humor
Free-Spirited
Good dancer
Creativity
Passion for his own interests
Playfulness
(It would go without saying that he loves to read and watch foreign movies....)
Men on dating sites always list "walking on the beach" as one of their favorite ways to spend time. (They know women like this.) But--as a friend once said--if that were true, literally true, all we'd have to do to find a good man would be to hang out at the beach. There would be a veritable parade of sensitive, funny, smart men there!
Women on similar sites (I've been told) say, "I want a man who makes me laugh." Until someone appears who surprises us with his unique qualities (the ones we didn't know to ask for), we resort to cliches. Or maybe we just pick the features most obviously lacking in the last one.
But let's say we're lucky and find all hundred qualities in one person. Let's say he matches up to everything we think we're looking for. Then what? Is it possible that we'll still try to tweak or change him? "Okay, I know, I ordered chicken fried steak but really, deep down, I wanted salmon"--or vice versa. Human beings (children, prospective partners or friends) are more than the sums of their parts.
When Mike and I met, I believe I told the waitress at the Life Diner: "Surprise me!"
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