Pretzeling for the truth

Florida Scott-Maxwell (in her 80s) wrote these words:

"I wonder if old people want truth more than anything else...."

I was born with a thirst for truth, and now I can join the ranks of old people who "want it more than anything else."  Mutual honesty is my touchstone for friendship and love, and I'm lucky to be surrounded (mostly) by truth-tellers.

I'd prefer a stranger take cash from my wallet than to be the recipient of BLTs.  ("Being Lied To.")  I keep re-reading Maxwell's words about love and hate, nodding yes yes yes.

From childhood truth sessions, to a lifetime immersion in literature, to conversations with like-minded seekers, I'm like a dog with a bone after truth.  You'd think that would make me savvier than I am, but sometimes I miss the clues for an appallingly long time!

Here's what I do after a theft or deception:

First, I'm incredulous.  "Why would someone do that? Why would he/she intentionally withhold a truth that affects me? How dare he/she steal what's mine? "

Then, I go into detective mode, trying to figure out who, what, when, where, and why.  Until I have solid evidence, I refuse to accuse--even at the risk of appearing naive. I question every clue, turn them over and over in my mind, even when the answer seems obvious.

The person (who steals or deceives) may be charming, caring and decent.  If I care a great deal for that person, I'm capable of doing Denial Back Flips!  If I want things to be a certain way, I can turn my head so hard in the other direction I'll literally get a crick in my neck. And here's the kicker: I can take the blame, 100%, and rationalize the wrong done by the other person.

Taking the blame is not an act of magnanimity or generosity of spirit--let's be clear; it's a typically female way of dealing with deception, and we should all stop doing it asap!

All these stages may take weeks, months, even years--but one day the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. When I face the truth, my crazy ends, and I can call a spade a spade.  As much as I hate losing what I wanted, I feel liberated because I'm finally standing on solid ground instead of quicksand.

This must be what Florida Maxwell-Scott meant when she talked about "hate."  To decide what you're unwilling to accept  means letting yourself feel such complete disgust at the behavior that you're no longer willing to pretend orange is purple.